fake it till you make it.

I‘ve never been an outdoor person. I liked staying at home and watching TV instead of going out and playing cricket or any other game for that matter. That effected my body growth of course but it gave me the chance to be with myself a lot. I used to read and watch films. Being in crowded places gave me cringes and talking to people made me anxious. Back then I was called a weird kid, in school I was a backbencher, did not take parts in any activities too, not like I was picked for anything as well. In my early stage of life this took a toll on my mental health and made me take some irrational decisions. I embarrassed my parents a lot during that time. That made me question my existence and pushed me towards a point where I even attempted to take my life.

I never liked being a part of groups but I always tried to be cause that’s what’s expected of me. Society norms made me think that maybe something is wrong with me and maybe I will like it if I gave it all a shot. But each time I tried to be a part of a group I was left aside. I did not take part in the conversation which was going around cause they were not interesting to me. I could see that they made fun of me sometimes. I would get furious and think of things I would say to them and shut their mouths. But I could never stand up to them.

Have you ever been in a room where someone just walks in and owns it? They blend in so easily, can talk to anyone about anything and make everyone like them with just their presence. I wanted to be that someone. But I can’t. Cause I’m not a people’s person. I can’t talk to anyone about anything and that makes my fantasy of owning a room a stretched out dream. But that doesn’t bother me anymore. I know that no matter how much I try I can’t be that “someone” cause that is not me. I’m the guy who sits in the corner and observes. I’m the guy who can give you a headache about my favourite subject rather than doing random gossip. I’m the guy who sings in solace and plays quizzes for fun. I’m the weirdo you talk about with your friends.

Not being a people’s person gives me so many opportunities to think about the things going around me and most importantly, what’s going on inside me. Just like all good lessons, I’ve learnt that the hard way. Accepting myself as who I am wasn’t easy but upon doing it, it released me from a hell lot of agony and troubles. But my dark days aren’t behind me. Being a loner or not a people’s person comes with its cons. I lurk in the dark corners of my mind most of the time and I attract or get attracted to the similar things, films and people. But all those things are of my likings, so I have no complaints.

Before all this I was trying out the ‘fake it till you make it’ philosophy but that did not work out cause I can’t be someone who I am not. No one can. And even though life isn’t perfect and I still have my demons lurking over my shoulder while I write this, I’m okay.

-aja

#originalpost #english #writeup #notapeoplesperson #solace #lonliness #mentalhealth