.a daydream

‘Sir? Akarsh sir?’

Someone called my name from behind as I was having a conversation with some people. I turned around and a vallet was there.

‘Yes?’ I asked.
‘Someone is out there asking for you. They have an invitation. They’re saying you’ve invited them’ vallet informed me.

A broad smile came upon my face cause I knew who it was out there. I excused myself from those people and followed the vallet to the lounge area. My heartbeat was rising with each step and I couldn’t stop smiling from excitement. I entered the lounge and there she was..standing there.

Beautiful as ever. Wearing a bright yellow silk saree. Her hair tied behind her head in a perfect bun. Her perfect lips were painted in blood red lipstick. Black and silver bangles in one hand and..wow, the black bead bracelet I gave her in the other. Her eyes, highlighted with a little bit of mascara were glowing as a lighthouse in the sea.

My legs froze and I felt a cold breeze on the back of my neck as she layed her eyes on me. It was a surreal moment. I was staring at a ghost from my past whom I invited myself. Suddenly I felt like my chest was empty and my throat dried up instantly. I grabbed a glass of beer from the passing tray and gulped it down in a jiffy.

‘She smiled looking at me! Me! She’s smiling looking at me!’ my brain screamed. ‘Cool the fuck down!’ I screamed back in my head.

Now I don’t know if it was the beer or was it just my aching heart but I just walked (almost ran) to her and grabbed her in my arms..just like I did for the first time we met. Suddenly I was 23 again. Suddenly I was in love again. Suddenly I felt like we never fell apart. Suddenly I was happy again. She didn’t push me away and hugged me back. It was the warmest hug I have ever felt. It was good.

By the way, to maintain her privacy I’m going to change names in this story, except mine of course. And we’re back in.

‘Lisa!’ I exclaimed. ‘You have no idea how happy I am that you came. Honestly, I was not expecting that you will.’

‘How could I not come for this day? It’s the premier of your first film Akarsh. You know me, I had to come and critique it.’ she said in her beautiful witty voice. It felt like the beautiful Italian music which Andy played in The Shawshank Prison. I guess now I know the meaning behind his smile.

Even though I wanted to sleep right there, just like that, holding her but I broke the hug and just looked at her, smiling. God I miss her. Only if I could tell her how much. ‘Come. Let me take you inside. The movie is about to start.’ I took her hand in mine almost dragged her in excitement. She pulled me back and said ‘Wait’ , I stopped like a train stops when someone pulls the chain and looked at her. She turned around and called someone close, she left my hand and grabbed his arm and said with a smile ‘Akarsh, this is Andrew, my husband.’ Something sank inside me. Of course, how could I forget that she’s married. I found out about the wedding from a distant mutual friend. How could I forget that I sent two invites, with a hope that she would use only one.

I shrugged myself a bit after staring at them for few seconds, pulled my lips up in a smile, ‘Hi’ I said and put my (heavy) arm for a handhshake. ‘Hello’ he said and shook my hand. No one said anything for few seconds. It was an awkward moment. This was a moment in which none of the participants wanted to take part in. I broke the ice and asked them to follow me in. As I was walking all I wanted to do was turn around and smack a powerful punch on his face, but I kept my emotions to myself.

We entered the auditorium and I showed them their seats and as I was walking away she held my hand and asked me to sit with her. I looked at him and he was sitting on the one side of her and checking his phone. I sat on the other side of her. ‘Why didn’t you come alone?’ I wanted to ask her ‘I sent 2 invites just to be nice you know’ I wanted to tell her. But we didn’t utter a word. Some people came and congratulated me, I thanked and told them that I’ll get back to them after the premier. Lisa kept her silence and watched me attending to these people with a simple smile. Lights started to dim and the producer of the film stood up in front of the silver screen with a mic. He thanked everyone for coming and told everyone about the film. Then he said ‘..the captain of the ship, the director Akarsh Jaiswal. Where are you man?’, Lisa told me to stand up, I took a deep breath and stood up. Everyone clapped, I looked at her, she was clapping with a big toothy smile. And yeah, he was clapping too.

Lights went out completely and everyone setteled down. The moment film was projected on the screen, Lisa held my hand and pressed it. As she was telling me ‘This is it! This is your moment and I’m proud of you.’  And all I wanted to say ‘Oh, how my fingers have missed the warmth of yours Lisa.’ I leaned in and whispered so only she could hear ‘You know this is the first film we are watching together in a theatre?’ She laughed a bit and said ‘Yes. I know. Idiot.’ That idiot had me.

Me and her watched the film in silence. She’d let go of my hand grabbed his arm after some time. They shared some whispers and giggles in the middle of the movie, ‘dude seriously?’ I told myself. After the film, we stood up and walked out in silence. People started to come and congratulate me, some took photos. I kept looking back to check if she’s still there. They were at the bar enjoying themselves. As she was a filmmaker herself, she had no issues mingling in a film party. He looked proud to be standing with her, I could see it in his eyes. Yes, I could see across the hall, okay?

After some time when I finally got free, I found her near the bar with him having a conversation. I stood afar and looked at her for some time. Kept looking. Until she caught me. I wanted to be caught. I went over and before she could say anything, he said ‘I really liked your film. Lisa told me that you always had a vision and just need to put your whole self into it. I guess you did man. Congratulations to you.’ he said with a smile and put his glass forward. I was surprised by what he had just said. But It was nice to know that she atleast talked about me sometimes. We all clicked our glasses together and took a sip. I looked at her, she understood that I wanted her reaction and she was ready with it, ‘You can do better Akarsh. This was a good start for you but you have much more to show in you. Work harder and impress me.’ Classic Lisa, I hated her for being right all the time. Even now. I knew my film was not what I hoped for but I had an opportunity to start my career and I took it. ‘Yeah well, you’re a tough cookie.’ I replied. ‘That I am.’ she said in her witty voice.

We sat there for sometime, had drinks and I told them stories about my struggle and making of the film. They told me some of their life stories. Some parts were hurtful to hear but I didn’t let it show on my face. After some time he looked at his watch and she said ‘Well we should leave now.’ ‘Let him go, you stay’ that’s what I didn’t say, ‘Alright’, is what I did say, in a disappointing tone. ‘So when are you guys leaving back for Delhi?’ I asked.

‘Tomorrow evening. Yeah I have to meet some college friends here and she has to do some shopping.’ he replied.

‘Ah, alright. Well have a pleasant stay and call me if you guys need anything.’ This time I shook his hand first, ‘Thank you for making time and coming down here. This means alot to me’ he smiled and shook my hand back.

I turned to her and put my hand out for a handshake ‘Lisa, I’m really really happy that you decided to come. I really wanted you to be here for this moment of my life. Thank you.’

‘I’m happy to be here. Thank you for inviting both of us. You have made a good life for yourself. Live it through and through, okay?’ She said as she shook my hand..then flinched a little when I slipped her the note I had in my palm. She took it and grasped it.

They wished me good night and I watched them go out, she turned and gave a smile before getting into the car. I kept watching the car going further and further away. My heart started to ache again.

I walked out of the theatre, on a half empty street of Mumbai, lit a cigarette, looked up at the moon and said ‘Good night.’

~NEXT DAY~

I thanked the waiteress when she brought my 3rd cup of coffee. I took a sip and clenched my face in distaste. I used to be a tea person before. I started having coffee after the break up and I’m addicted to it now, even though I don’t like it much. I guess I held on to it because she liked it. I really can’t say.

I looked outside the window, the busy street of Andheri West. My eyes were scanning every stopping taxi or auto. ‘Did she even read the note? Or did she just threw it out after leaving last night?’ my mind was cooking up theories and was reaching to conclusions. The caffine was giving more boost to this overthinking rocket.

I replayed everything that happened last night. Her hug, her smile, the happiness in her eyes, every last detail. Did last night really happened? Did she really come or did I imagine the whole fucking thing? I’m overthinking. I’m overthinking. Cool the fuck down man. Relax. Deep breaths. I closed my eyes for a minute and did some mental yoga. When I opened my eyes, I found her standing at the door, in a light green colored long kurti with white flower design on it and white leggings. She was wearing her glasses today and her hair tied in a messy bun with least to no makeup on her face (like she needed any), she was looking cute. Oh my. She was looking around the cafe for me.

I stumbled a bit before standing up. Her eyes found me. She smiled, and started to walk towards me. It was like a scene from an old movie. Girl walking in slow motion, the voilins playing in the background, a shower of flower, a beautiful aroma in the environment, doves flying away behind her, everyone around started to do a choreographed dance and I kept looking at her with looney eyes.

‘Hi Akarsh’, she said. I was out of words for few seconds. ‘Akarsh? Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Wha..yes, yes I’m okay. Hi’ We did a formal hug. And I pulled out the chair for her. We sat down and there was only silence for a while. We kept staring at each other. So many things were going on in my head. Maybe in her’s as well. We kept starting at each other. What do two estranged lovers talk when they meet after years? I wanted to ask a hell lot of questions but I settled for ‘Coffee?’

‘Yes, sure.’ she replied.

I waved my hand and called for a waiter, I ordered 2 strong black coffees. After the waiter walked away she asked, ‘When did you start having coffee Mr. Chai Lover?’ She looked at the previous 3 cups sitting on the table ‘and that too this much?’

‘Things changed after…you know.’ I said in a melancholy voice. I looked at her, in her eyes ‘How are you Lisa?’ I asked. She thought for few seconds and answered in the same melancholy voice ‘Im at peace.’ Lisa, who always chooses her words carefully and gives perfect answers, always. We kept looking at each other. I think we both were diving in the pool of memories, our memories. Those walks and kisses. Those late night talks and the places we explored. Those fights and laughters.  ‘Funny thing, the memories, no?’ I finally broke the silence, ‘you hate them but you love them.’
She nodded.

‘Why did you call me here Akarsh?’ she finally asked the question which I was hoping for not to come up. ‘I really don’t know.’ I answered honestly. ‘I just wanted to sit with you for a while. Just you and me.’ She didn’t say anything, neither did I. I put my hand on the table hoping that she would put hers on it. She just keep staring at me, then she looked down and asked ‘Do you still miss me?’ she asked. ‘Every minute of every single day’ an instant answer came out of me. The waiter came back with the order. We recieved it and thanked him. We had our coffees in silence.

After I finished mine, I bursted out for some unknown reason, ‘Do you know Lisa, we fell apart because you said our intellectual level does not match and I need to get my own life, so I did. I gained as much knowledge as I could and made a life but I feel no joy in it because you’re not a part of it.’ She kept looking down and didn’t say anything. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with my life. I’ve had relationships, I’m sexually content. I’m not stuck on you. But I’ve never loved anyone else after you. I couldn’t. It just never happened.’

She looked up, I could see a drop coming out of her eyes, I gave her my handkerchief, I wanted to wipe her face myself but my heart was telling me to maintain some distance.

‘I missed you for so long you know. I cried every night before falling asleep for weeks’ she said while wiping away the tears, but there were more coming. I just kept looking at her. ‘I felt like what have I done, I kept thinking how will you manage your life without me. But I was not happy Akarsh. The relationship had become a liability to me at that point.’

‘I tried my best to be good enough for you. I tried.’

‘You think I don’t know that? I know you did. And that’s why it was so hard for me to let you go. Because you loved me more than anyone and I was still not happy, and I wanted to be happy, I wanted peace.’

‘I.. I’m sorry Lisa. I thought I was doing everything right.’

‘You were doing everything right, but you were doing it for the wrong girl. We were not each other’s type Akarsh. We were not meant to be.’

‘I dont understand that logic you know. I know a bit about your husband. The guy is not into films, he likes politics, he works corporate, he smokes and drinks too so.. so I don’t get it. How is he your type? And if he is then what was so wrong with me?’

‘He understands me unlike anyone. He keeps me at peace. He challenges me intellectually..’

‘..did I never understand you Lisa? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘You did understand me, you listened to all my rants and complaining but you never knew what to do with me. You didn’t understand how to deal with me when I’m upset or even my mood swings.’

I didn’t say anything. I had nothing to say.

‘You did as much as you could for me but I was looking for something else. You’re a hard worker Akarsh, you worked hard to be my kind of a person but that’s not correct. You should be with a person where you don’t have to work hard. Things should just happen on it’s own. That’s the kind of relationship people should get into.’

I kept my head down and gazed at my coffee mug. I hate it. I hate it when she talks sense. I hate it when she says the correct things. I hate it that she’s always right. I just fucking hate it.

‘Look at me.’ she said.
I didn’t.
She put her palm on my hand and pressed it.
I looked up, all teared up.
She wiped my face.
‘You’re an amazing man Akarsh and you’re going to make some woman really happy, and she’s going to put your horsepowered mind at peace.’ She had a soft smile on her lips. I looked at her. I felt something weird this time looking at her. A weird sensation went through my body. I felt light. I felt free. Has my heart finally let go of that tiny bit of hope it was holding onto for years? Maybe.

‘I have to go now.’

I nodded. I took her hands in mine, looked into her eyes and said ‘No woman can replace your part in my life Lisa. I meant what I said to my friend just after a week of knowing you, that you’re the one. Maybe not the one who was meant to be. But you’re the one true love of my life.’

She smiled and kissed my cheek. We stood up to leave. I paid the check and we left the cafe in silence. We walked a bit together. No words were shared, there was no need to. Nothing more was left to be said. This was it. We may never meet again in life. But I was not thinking all that. I was enjoying the walk.

‘What?’ She asked when she caught me smiling.
‘Nothing, it’s stupid’
‘Say’
‘Remember that video I made you? The placard one? And I told you that it was my idea?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Well, I stole the idea from a film.’
She chuckled a bit ‘Filmy Bastard. Make better films asshole. Make me tell people that I know this Director.’
‘Yeah. I’ll do my best.’

We stopped at the taxi stand. She booked one and I opened the door for her. Before she could go in I asked ‘Lisa, do you still love me?’

She looked at my face for few seconds and then answered ‘Some part of me always will.’

She got into the taxi, closed the door, she waved at me from inside as the taxi drove away, I waved back.

This time there was no ache in my heart. This time my mind was not cooking up any theories. This time I smiled while seeing her go. This time I didn’t feel like smoking.

Cause this time, I had let her go.

~end~

-aja